Coffee Talk: Weekend Thoughts

Dear Kids,

So, how'd you get along this week? Was it okay for you? Gee, I hope so.

Got any fun plans for the weekend? The "Super Bowl"?! Look, kids, can your uncle be straight with you? (Leave it!) I'd have a hard enough time if the nation were coming together for the "Souper Bowl" to celebrate the joys of soups and stews. But, you throw sports into the equation and all I think about is Mr. Koethe in junior high physical education classes yelling at me to get out on the field and play some football only to quickly dismiss me from the field to run laps for an hour. Me + sports = Why is everyone yelling? Are we out of champagne? SO not a good fit!

Here's what else has been on my mind (and in order of appearance - buckle up!):

• I wish I lived in San Francisco.
• Sometimes I think, "Dammit! I'm gonna glitter the hell outta one o' my pairs o' shoes one of these days! I like glitter, dammit!
• Then I think, "Do you really think you're gonna pull off that look?"
• WWTGD - What Would Tim Gunn Do
• Phở. (And, yes, it's pronounced "fuh" not "fo".)
• Bánh mì.
• I'm getting app'd and platform'd out. I mean really. Is all of this really saving us time or getting us better connected? Probably not.
• I need to get a smart phone. Oy! Conundrum!
• Facebook is about to produce new millionaires. I passed up a job at a little start-up offering stock options called "Amazon".
• I passed up that job to continue working as a receptionist at a law firm where I got to work alone on the holidays, trap squirrels, and talk to convicts. So, y'know, not a bad trade off. Ugh!
• Glitter!
• "Downton Abbey"! Shut-the-front-door! It's. Bananas!
• Rachel Zoe was in my dream last night. She was super sweet and trying to get me to Blogshop this weekend but kept getting distracted shopping. And, she kept calling me "Brad". I don't think so, "Rach"!
• I had bad dating experiences with boys who loved science fiction.
• I love my dog.
• Elie Saab. Pure genius!
• Pinterest!
• I think about moving to some small town and hunkering down. But, I live in a small town on an island and want to leave. I need some clarification with my subconscious yearnings.
• I went to the grocery store last night and came home with brownies, crab, sauvignon blanc, and rubber latex gloves. My life in a word, "glamorous".
• Coffee. That's nothing new. I always think about coffee.
• Cake. I like cake. It comforts, it soothes. It's like the mentholatum rub of the pastry world.
• Ointment. UGH! I hate the word "ointment"! My others? "Panties" and "moist". [Shudder!]
• I just don't know how this whole Madonna half-time show is gonna go down at the Super Bowl. Such an odd combination.
• I wish they'd make a third installment in the "Sex & the City" movie series. But, only because they need to apologize to us for the second one somehow. Right?!
  
• The next time someone tells you they're a "lover of the arts"? Clarify!


Have a great weekend, Kids!

Driven to Distraction

Where? In what? A basket?

Photo by your Uncle Beefy.

Kids, Kids, Kids, Kids, Kids! This is called posting on the fly! As my friend, Julia, put so eloquently this morning, I'm burning the "candelabra" at both ends! Lots and lots of candle ends going at the moment! Or, to reference the above image more directly... my basket is full!

I'm still working on settling up the accident (looks like the guy who hit me is likely to get off scot-free as they don't know who or where he is). (Side note: Geico Insurance has been incredible throughout this entire process!) Trying to finish up a few different creative projects. Working with my friend, Georgina, doing some food styling and photographs. And, making the transition out of one job and into the new one I just got. Oh, and cooking the occasional dinner and sleeping. Yeah. Lots going on!

So now we head off into the 4th of July weekend! Any fun and exciting plans? Just be safe and have fun!

If there is one thing I can't stand, it's people who post pictures of their pets on their blog.

Hey, Cupcake!

"Uh huh. I'm talkin' to you! You cherry-topped, sugar-laced bastard! Y'know, we've done alright by each other for some time now. We've had our ups and downs, sure, but last night, in the wee hours of the morning, something in you changed. Will it ever be the same? I don't know, Cupcake, you tell me."

So last night was a mini-marathon baking session, Kids. Birthday cupcakes for the partner's boss. And she is most deserving of the effort... for sure. But I should have known something was up when I began the baking process. Upon returning home from rounding up the necessary ingredients I emerged confidently in the kitchen. I mean, I've done this before. Plenty. Buttermilk? Dammit. Eggs? Oh crap! Whew... just enough. Through God's good baking graces I could proceed.

Fortunately, I'm an uber-relaxed baker and have no need for perfection. So I got out my level to adjust the rack in the oven to avoid any lopsided tops. (See what I mean?) Ready to go. Batter ready, paper cups placed in non-stick (Yeah, right!) pan, measured scoop.... GO! Approximately 14 minutes later I was removing random-acts-of-what-the-hell from the oven! Apparently, my oven rack must go concave when the door is shut because each of these little chocolate bundles were more lopsided than a group of drunken frat boys. AND they were sticking to the pan! The NON-STICK pan! (Screw you too, Wilton and your half-assed baking accessories!) Pan after rage-inducing pan emerged and the breakdown began. Cupcakes and f-bombs. A delight for the whole family!

On the menu? Black Forest & German Chocolate. I hadn't made either one before but felt confident in winging it. Well, initially, anyway. Cherry Brandy frosting came together decently enough, I guess. Though my adrenaline-infused taste buds were hard-pressed to discern it from cheap Lucerne Cherry Yogurt. The man, after being awoken to taste test (You're welcome, honey.), assured me all was well. (He sleeps incredibly well through cursing and cupboard slamming.)

On to the German Chocolate Frosting. Now, I've had it many a time but never actually made it. Coconut, pecans, sweetened condensed milk... easy peasy, how hard could it be? People, as an avid baker let me illuminate you to one of the professional tips of the baking world... read your damn recipe! At 12 midnight I had the Cinderella rug pulled right out from beneath me! Aside from toasting the coarsely chopped pecans and coconut I had to bake the sweetened condensed milk in a pie plate, in a water bath... wait for it... FOR TWO HOURS! Was I Napoleon or Rush Limbaugh in a past life and this was my punishment?!

Well, Kids, two hours later, I was distinctly more knowledgeable about TMZ and Cindy Crawford's amazing line of skin care products. Additionally, I was introduced to what would become a coconut/pecan/crack cocaine concoction that I would gladly sit my fat, naked ass in the midst of a Weight Watchers meeting and devour with absolute relish!

So, y'know, aside from questioning my entire purpose in life and chipping away at the last vestiges of any mental stability, it all went pretty well.

Say hello to my little friend.

Cheese... Cake

Hi, Kids! Yep, it's me the Uncle. Am I back? Kinda sorta, I suppose. Probably easing back into things at the moment. While I've been missing the blogosphere, it has been a refreshing break. Having one less thing on the to-do list was much appreciated even if it got replaced by a multitude of other things. Did I get all the things done that I set out to do? Um, no. They say that "man makes plans and God laughs". Then the last couple of weeks must have been a veritable comedy festival from "His" perspective. But dents were made which is more than I can say for a couple of weeks ago! A couple of weeks?!! It's been THAT long. Nuts. Fall is pushing on in a big way. The leaves on some trees have begun lightly falling. The temperatures have dropped and clear mornings are now fog-draped and dew-laden (Sounds very Harlequin Romance, eh? Don't worry... no mentions of anyone's "thrusting manhood" here.). All in all, it has me thinking about Halloween, cool nights, warm cocoa, and how much crap I may or may not get done! Dammit. I've gotten sucked into A&E's "Hoarders" which has me contemplating what the application process is for that show...? And, how amenable the crew might be in filming me from my best angle. Last night's episode showed a close-up shot of a cover of House Beautiful "101 Best Makeovers" lying on a floor that spanned out into a room of complete chaos. I'm guessing a red wardrobe might help me show up on camera better given the backdrop? But I digress.

I have been baking up a storm while on hiatus. Okay, maybe not a "storm" but somehow "baking up a light breeze" didn't seem as effective from a literary standpoint. Our friends Chance & Temre just had a birthday blowout... Chance's birthday along with their daughter, McKenna's, big "1st". The initial request was for, you guessed it, cupcakes. But my work schedule would have rendered that undertaking useless so I settled on a myriad of layer cakes. Excuse the gold pastry rounds... they're all I could get.

   

I'm still mulling over the idea of pastry school. Though I have had a few people who think I should just skip it altogether. Some with the background and experience to move their opinion beyond delusional optimism (but thanks, Mom & Dad). But if I did decide to do it, it's the money part that would be the biggest hurdle. I may have to have a blogging fundraiser or something. Ooh! Maybe a Blog-A-Thon?!! That might work. Maybe I can get Marilyn McCoo to do a couple of numbers on my behalf? Mickey Rooney must be desperate for work these days (Yes... he's STILL alive!). The thing is, despite my elusive charms and talents, how am I ever going to engender the same level of cash-producing guilt as a 5-year-old in a wheelchair singing "The Rainbow Connection"?

See, Kids... so much to do.

Shaken & Stirred

The Devil Wears Things From the Gap Sales Rack

The Beefy's Back In Town...

The vineyards at Duck Horn.

Hi Kids! I'm back in town from my delightful Napa weekend! As you know, we all headed down to visit our friends Jon & Georgina, who live in St. Helena, to help celebrate our friend Sarah's birthday. I don't think she could have asked for a better time. Well, I couldn't have anyway. It was glorious! (But we're all lucky to still have our livers intact! Hey....it's wine country!) Lordy, I love me some California! Sarah and I are already plotting a possible relocation. Hmm?

We did tours of some wineries (of course) and just lapped up the warming rays of California sunshine and great friends. Managed to squeeze in a brief day in San Francisco before putting our hangovers onto our respective flights. I was sorry that there wasn't the time to rope Victoria or Melissa in for a little bloggers meet and greet...but maybe next time? 'Cause like it or not California...I'm comin' back!

So Kids, here are a few pics to tide you over for the day and I'll see ya's tomorrow! :)

The Ferry Building in San Francisco where I managed to
leave a little food left over for the rest of the people in the city.

The interior of the Ferry Building...before the food massacre began!

My favorite food moment of the day from Miette...Buttermilk Panna Cotta with fresh chopped strawberries all delightfully contained in that sweet little jar! Delicious! (But not enough to keep me from also consuming a chicken lunch, a custard-filled Bomboloni doughnut, and two Miette cupcakes!!! My crazy druken body couldn't get enough! I think it was just happy to be getting fed something other than alcohol! Oy vey!)

That's Bunz...our mascot. I feel like he looks! (He's Jon & Georgina's puppy dog.)

Jon & Georgina's sweet St. Helena dream! Tres cute, huh?

I guess the place was a serious fixer-upper when they got it but they've done miraculous wonders already. Could I have asked for better Napa-style accommodations? I don't think so! More shots to come tomorrow.

We were actually sober in this photo taken in the wine caves at Schramsberg!

And, I'm takin' a moment to thank all these lovely folks above for their generosity, friendship, outrageously amazing senses of humor, and all their efforts in making this one incredibly phenomenal weekend! You're all loved! (And "HAPPY BIRTHDAY, Miss Sarah!" Thanks for lettin' me tag along!)

Busy Bee...-fy ~ or ~ Boring Blogger Wednesday - Part II

This sweet lil' bee was out in my yard doing his sweet work...before Summer dies! :(

I know, Kids. I don't know what the hell is happening with me and Wednesdays?! But I am busy, busy today! Have to walk the dog, do some silkscreen printing for a friend who's a Saturday bride, iron a shirt, find a pair of pants, get gas, be to work on time (all this with no coffee). Then I have to get home as quickly as possible to check out Matt from Matt Bites who's gonna be on Martha today! I'm rootin' for ya', Matt! Then I have to fly out of the house and go buy something (!?!) to wear to my interview tomorrow morning! WHEW! Which, honestly, means that posting is highly unlikely tomorrow too. :(

I know, Kids. I'm sorry I'll miss you but I'll be back on Friday. Yes, it will be excessively difficult to make it through the day without my presence (It's exactly how I feel when I have to walk away from a mirror....you know I'm kidding, right?) but you know what they say....the harder it is to pick the fruit, the sweeter it tastes! ;)

Until we get to see Mister Matt...this is BY FAR one of my favorite Martha moments with the sassy spitfire, Amy Sedaris!

Crash

Good morning, Kids. What a weekend. What a Monday. So, you know that I was down visiting the parents for my Mom's birthday. Mom and I went off to Barn House which was AMAZING! In my ever gracious manner of great first impressions I broke a lovely vase within minutes of my entrance, and cut my hands in five small places on my hand producing an unlikely amount of blood. Ah yes...glamorous! But they let me stay (thanks Joe and Jermonne!). And I got some great photos!

I finished my resume "package" and exercised every ounce of perfectionism in my being. I'm pretty darn happy about the overall results. Actually, quite ecstatic as it could even rival Martha's quality control. Yeah...I said it! I am sending it off to a potential employer today and am hoping it knocks their socks off...and maybe a pair of shoes or two? I got some photos of that too!

Then I got the call from Kendall. It would appear (though remember I am not at home right now) that my computer has crashed...? If so, this will be the second time in less than a year. Hooray for me! I had some choice expletives initially. I'm going to once again lose a lot of stuff. And I am not particularly happy with Apple at the moment. But all in all, in the moment, what are you gonna do? Last night was a spiritual exercise that I came out of on the other end in great shape. However, my psyche aside, it remains uncertain as to when I'll be back up blogging in my usual fashion...??? (Thus no fab photos.)

We'll see what I can make of things when I get home and I'll do my best to keep you updated. But your spiritual exercise this week may just have to be "patience". But I know you can do that...and very well.

Hope to see you relatively soon, Kids. :)

Back In The Saddle

Calgon...

I know what you're thinking..."take me away" right? Yeah, Kids well lemme tell ya's...that last few days of working on my resume felt like a Calgon commercial! Well, I thought so anyway. But when perusing for a visual all I get is some jet-setting woman taking a bubble bath in a private jet (a fate I could suffer through) or a woman having some half-hearted breakdown over a girls' pillow fight. I mean really...THIS is what you need to get taken away from?! I'm trying to sell myself on paper for the first time in years, mentally prepare to impress an interview committee should the moment arise, and these women are freaking out over personal entitlement and feathers?

Then I stumbled upon this! I am telling you right now it's like someone was filming the voices inside my head on Tuesday night! Holy crap! No...really...I am pretty certain I had something close to this exact conversation around 4:44am...

Sorry about my total absence yesterday, Kids. Work, work, work...but the resume is done (Thanks to the enormously generous help of a rare few!)!!! Seriously, one of the most nerve-wracking experiences I can recall...seriously! But I've survived and am back in the blogosphere. I'll be back with more posting! :)

You sure you wanna eat that corn dog before gettin' on this thing?

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