October 16, 2009

Hey, Cupcake!

"Uh huh. I'm talkin' to you! You cherry-topped, sugar-laced bastard! Y'know, we've done alright by each other for some time now. We've had our ups and downs, sure, but last night, in the wee hours of the morning, something in you changed. Will it ever be the same? I don't know, Cupcake, you tell me."

So last night was a mini-marathon baking session, Kids. Birthday cupcakes for the partner's boss. And she is most deserving of the effort... for sure. But I should have known something was up when I began the baking process. Upon returning home from rounding up the necessary ingredients I emerged confidently in the kitchen. I mean, I've done this before. Plenty. Buttermilk? Dammit. Eggs? Oh crap! Whew... just enough. Through God's good baking graces I could proceed.

Fortunately, I'm an uber-relaxed baker and have no need for perfection. So I got out my level to adjust the rack in the oven to avoid any lopsided tops. (See what I mean?) Ready to go. Batter ready, paper cups placed in non-stick (Yeah, right!) pan, measured scoop.... GO! Approximately 14 minutes later I was removing random-acts-of-what-the-hell from the oven! Apparently, my oven rack must go concave when the door is shut because each of these little chocolate bundles were more lopsided than a group of drunken frat boys. AND they were sticking to the pan! The NON-STICK pan! (Screw you too, Wilton and your half-assed baking accessories!) Pan after rage-inducing pan emerged and the breakdown began. Cupcakes and f-bombs. A delight for the whole family!

On the menu? Black Forest & German Chocolate. I hadn't made either one before but felt confident in winging it. Well, initially, anyway. Cherry Brandy frosting came together decently enough, I guess. Though my adrenaline-infused taste buds were hard-pressed to discern it from cheap Lucerne Cherry Yogurt. The man, after being awoken to taste test (You're welcome, honey.), assured me all was well. (He sleeps incredibly well through cursing and cupboard slamming.)

On to the German Chocolate Frosting. Now, I've had it many a time but never actually made it. Coconut, pecans, sweetened condensed milk... easy peasy, how hard could it be? People, as an avid baker let me illuminate you to one of the professional tips of the baking world... read your damn recipe! At 12 midnight I had the Cinderella rug pulled right out from beneath me! Aside from toasting the coarsely chopped pecans and coconut I had to bake the sweetened condensed milk in a pie plate, in a water bath...
wait for it... FOR TWO HOURS! Was I Napoleon or Rush Limbaugh in a past life and this was my punishment?!

Well, Kids, two hours later, I was distinctly more knowledgeable about TMZ and Cindy Crawford's amazing line of skin care products. Additionally, I was introduced to what would become a coconut/pecan/crack cocaine concoction that I would gladly sit my fat, naked ass in the midst of a Weight Watchers meeting and devour with absolute relish!

So, y'know, aside from questioning my entire purpose in life and chipping away at the last vestiges of any mental stability, it all went pretty well.


  1. Oh you sweet little cupcakes, don't let ungrateful Uncle B talk to you like that... come to my house where you would truly be appreciated...

    PS. Buttermilk freezes beautifully. I always have some on standby for emergency cupcake baking.

  2. I laughed so hard reading this I almost fell out of the chair!

    Have a great weekend, Mon Oncle.


  3. Darling! Next time use the recipe on the inside of the wrapper of Bakers brand german's chocolate baking bar. I have made the coconut frosting many times and it is never as hard as what you went through! Like having a full body wax, that was!

  4. Oh Uncle, I've been in your shoes too many times to count! I feel your pain... :)

  5. Oh Bradford!!! I was laughing so hard..I DID fall out of my chair!!! I needed that...thanks!

    Oh...and thanks for the cards. So sweet!! Love you!

    xo, Georgina

  6. I laughed so hard - thank you I needed that.

  7. You're SO DANG FUNNY!

    Darling cute cakes...BTW.

    Merci for a great laugh.

  8. haha, this is hilarious!!

    You tell those cupcakes!!

    Thanks for the laugh!

  9. I love it! This is cracking me up!

  10. Uncle B!!!! Sounds like you need the new muffin tin I got from Ikea, the "Drommar" for $9.99 (http://www.ikea.com/us/en/catalog/products/00133038). I'm telling you, I made the most adorable corn muffins in it last week and they popped RIGHT out of the pan! I can't help but think your darling cupcakes would do the same. There's also a spring form pan, a bundt pan, etc and they are painted a nice tomato-red color on the bottom! Get thyself to IKEA (or try buying online!)

  11. I didn't think it was possible to laugh that hard just before putting on my face cream and going to bed!

  12. I've been enjoying your blog for a month now and just took the time (felled for 2 days now by the most terrible flu) to go back to earlier posts...and found this one. Bravo! Those naughty cupcakes unleashed a brilliant talent for comic writing!


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