October 27, 2009
October 19, 2009
How To Be Really Top Drawer
In the early 80's I was too young to understand that this was "spoof"-oriented. All I could grasp was that this was the most ingeniously beautiful book ever conceived. I was so desperate to climb the social food chain that I was just thrilled to have a guidebook to lead me down the road to plaid-laden superiority! Thankfully, my commitment didn't extend much beyond plaid and Sperry Top-Siders as I got older. Nor did the desired social-ramifications turn out as hoped or expected. And, thank God for that. Somehow "Uncle Biffy" doesn't have the same ring.
October 16, 2009
Hey, Cupcake!
"Uh huh. I'm talkin' to you! You cherry-topped, sugar-laced bastard! Y'know, we've done alright by each other for some time now. We've had our ups and downs, sure, but last night, in the wee hours of the morning, something in you changed. Will it ever be the same? I don't know, Cupcake, you tell me."
So last night was a mini-marathon baking session, Kids. Birthday cupcakes for the partner's boss. And she is most deserving of the effort... for sure. But I should have known something was up when I began the baking process. Upon returning home from rounding up the necessary ingredients I emerged confidently in the kitchen. I mean, I've done this before. Plenty. Buttermilk? Dammit. Eggs? Oh crap! Whew... just enough. Through God's good baking graces I could proceed.
Fortunately, I'm an uber-relaxed baker and have no need for perfection. So I got out my level to adjust the rack in the oven to avoid any lopsided tops. (See what I mean?) Ready to go. Batter ready, paper cups placed in non-stick (Yeah, right!) pan, measured scoop.... GO! Approximately 14 minutes later I was removing random-acts-of-what-the-hell from the oven! Apparently, my oven rack must go concave when the door is shut because each of these little chocolate bundles were more lopsided than a group of drunken frat boys. AND they were sticking to the pan! The NON-STICK pan! (Screw you too, Wilton and your half-assed baking accessories!) Pan after rage-inducing pan emerged and the breakdown began. Cupcakes and f-bombs. A delight for the whole family!
On the menu? Black Forest & German Chocolate. I hadn't made either one before but felt confident in winging it. Well, initially, anyway. Cherry Brandy frosting came together decently enough, I guess. Though my adrenaline-infused taste buds were hard-pressed to discern it from cheap Lucerne Cherry Yogurt. The man, after being awoken to taste test (You're welcome, honey.), assured me all was well. (He sleeps incredibly well through cursing and cupboard slamming.)
On to the German Chocolate Frosting. Now, I've had it many a time but never actually made it. Coconut, pecans, sweetened condensed milk... easy peasy, how hard could it be? People, as an avid baker let me illuminate you to one of the professional tips of the baking world... read your damn recipe! At 12 midnight I had the Cinderella rug pulled right out from beneath me! Aside from toasting the coarsely chopped pecans and coconut I had to bake the sweetened condensed milk in a pie plate, in a water bath... wait for it... FOR TWO HOURS! Was I Napoleon or Rush Limbaugh in a past life and this was my punishment?!
Well, Kids, two hours later, I was distinctly more knowledgeable about TMZ and Cindy Crawford's amazing line of skin care products. Additionally, I was introduced to what would become a coconut/pecan/crack cocaine concoction that I would gladly sit my fat, naked ass in the midst of a Weight Watchers meeting and devour with absolute relish!
So, y'know, aside from questioning my entire purpose in life and chipping away at the last vestiges of any mental stability, it all went pretty well.
So last night was a mini-marathon baking session, Kids. Birthday cupcakes for the partner's boss. And she is most deserving of the effort... for sure. But I should have known something was up when I began the baking process. Upon returning home from rounding up the necessary ingredients I emerged confidently in the kitchen. I mean, I've done this before. Plenty. Buttermilk? Dammit. Eggs? Oh crap! Whew... just enough. Through God's good baking graces I could proceed.
Fortunately, I'm an uber-relaxed baker and have no need for perfection. So I got out my level to adjust the rack in the oven to avoid any lopsided tops. (See what I mean?) Ready to go. Batter ready, paper cups placed in non-stick (Yeah, right!) pan, measured scoop.... GO! Approximately 14 minutes later I was removing random-acts-of-what-the-hell from the oven! Apparently, my oven rack must go concave when the door is shut because each of these little chocolate bundles were more lopsided than a group of drunken frat boys. AND they were sticking to the pan! The NON-STICK pan! (Screw you too, Wilton and your half-assed baking accessories!) Pan after rage-inducing pan emerged and the breakdown began. Cupcakes and f-bombs. A delight for the whole family!
On the menu? Black Forest & German Chocolate. I hadn't made either one before but felt confident in winging it. Well, initially, anyway. Cherry Brandy frosting came together decently enough, I guess. Though my adrenaline-infused taste buds were hard-pressed to discern it from cheap Lucerne Cherry Yogurt. The man, after being awoken to taste test (You're welcome, honey.), assured me all was well. (He sleeps incredibly well through cursing and cupboard slamming.)
On to the German Chocolate Frosting. Now, I've had it many a time but never actually made it. Coconut, pecans, sweetened condensed milk... easy peasy, how hard could it be? People, as an avid baker let me illuminate you to one of the professional tips of the baking world... read your damn recipe! At 12 midnight I had the Cinderella rug pulled right out from beneath me! Aside from toasting the coarsely chopped pecans and coconut I had to bake the sweetened condensed milk in a pie plate, in a water bath... wait for it... FOR TWO HOURS! Was I Napoleon or Rush Limbaugh in a past life and this was my punishment?!
Well, Kids, two hours later, I was distinctly more knowledgeable about TMZ and Cindy Crawford's amazing line of skin care products. Additionally, I was introduced to what would become a coconut/pecan/crack cocaine concoction that I would gladly sit my fat, naked ass in the midst of a Weight Watchers meeting and devour with absolute relish!
So, y'know, aside from questioning my entire purpose in life and chipping away at the last vestiges of any mental stability, it all went pretty well.
October 14, 2009
October 09, 2009
October 08, 2009
October 06, 2009
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